Dear President (for 2 more hours) Trump,
I know this is last minute, but seeing as you're still pardoning folks, I thought I'd throw my hat in the ring. I'm writing to appeal to your eminently forgiving nature and formally ask for a preemptive pardon.
Though I currently have no criminal intentions or aspirations, I am trying to think ahead. I honestly don't know what crimes I might be liable to commit in the future, what misdeeds, treasonous or otherwise, I may find myself perpetrating, and I can't predict what my childhood trauma will ultimately drive me to do. Nor, frankly, can I predict what lasting effects these past four years will have on my mental state— I'm sure you can relate!
Did you have an idea, as a young man, what kind of crimes you would end up committing? You must have dreamed that, one day, if you were to do some bad hombre shit, you wouldn't have to pay for it, with money or time served.
I know I'm no Steve Bannon, Lil Wayne or Kodak Black, but this isn't about the kind of crook I am, it's about the crook I could be! So i am asking you to find it in your heart to waive your two million dollar fee and grant me, a kid with the gumption to ask, a preemptive pardon.
Sincerely,
[insert name]
Rowen Kahn is an artist, filmmaker and performer based in Los Angeles.
Insta: @rowenkahn.art & @rowenkahn